as I've said before various times throughout this website, I'm very bad at keeping up blog spaces; writing how I feel or what I do on a daily or regular basis. it's been several months since I last wrote in this page, whether it's because I've been busy working on my ocs, or because I got kind of bored of working on my neocities constantly.
I would like to redo the whole thing (or at least the front page) and organize it better, but it could just be me overthinking once again about how I've "branded" myself, despite how much I've tried to view this site as just a place for me to be myself. I feel like the emphasis on not wanting to censor myself in any way still speaks to some kind of shame or expectation I feel over how I present myself like it's copium or whatever. for a second, I almost considered to make another website that I can truly, TRULY use as a personal space and keep this up as an archive of my oc work instead, but it also doesn't feel right to create any kind of degree of separation between my original work and me as a person or the parts of myself that I choose to be open about. I decided to focus on my ocs to cope with a suicide attempt and that's not something I want to forget.
I've definitely been struggling trying to deal with the attention my ocs have received so far. it's a mix of appreciation and fear, which just makes me think: how could I possibly make a webcomic of their story if I can't even properly handle someone saying they like them. I just know how the internet works, especially the type of people my art has attracted before with their insane lack of boundaries, but also I don't expect strangers online to understand that I am a very paranoid and delusional person behind the screen.
I fantasize that in a few years, my webcomic will be discovered by a youtuber which will lead to a massive influx in my audience and I will have a public psychotic breakdown and delete everything.
I added a page for some original writing, it's just for one story I have in mind that I want to make into a comic. I had wanted to make a directory and different pages for several stories of mine, but I should only focus on one right now so I can actually commit to it. it would still be fun to make different layouts for all of my oc universes, but I tend to mess around with layouts so much which can kind of waste my time. and I've already put off a bunch of other pages I wanted to work on, so maybe that'll come up later when it's more relevant to me.
after a lot of mulling over and debating on what would be the healthiest option for me, I decided to move accounts on tumblr and twitter. it was either a fresh start or continuing to use my old accounts, which meant trying to ignore just how associated they are with a certain fandom when I want to post more original stuff. I'm thinking of announcing that I moved accounts, but I'm not ready yet. I want to post more art without thinking of the attention and do my own, separate thing from whatever I've been doing for the past four years. however, I started to question the decision for a bit because I need to open commissions again, but I may just do it on my old account anyways while using my new one at the same time. it's a little weird of a move to me, but also who really cares.
I just don't want to actively be part of a fandom anymore, and just be an artist who draws whatever whenever I want. everyone says fandoms are exhausting and annoying, but I never thought it would really be that bad, especially when it's usually said about larger fandoms, not smaller ones. but, everything feels more personal in a smaller fandom. I could just be overly sensitive, but regardless, it feels good to distance myself from all that now. I want to draw fanart for anything and not care about keeping up a specific brand or image. I didn't even think I was really doing that; I thought I just had a really strong fixation on something, and I did so much with it because it was just what I was interested in at the time. which is certainly true, but I did fall victim to wondering if something I drew would do well or not, if it wasn't the thing I was most well-known for. I'm almost annoyed at admitting that I fell for that line of thinking as I type this.
either way, I'm really glad I started to focus on my original characters more. I really needed to, not just because it's fun, but also because it's much healthier for me. I've had these characters in my head for years and years, but I never was able to truly put the same amount of focus on them as I did with kizashige, or even other previous ships I was into. it's just easier to become fixated on pre-established characters with already existing lore and backstories that you can take and run with in millions of directions, but creating my own work has always been a goal of mine. I just was always waiting for the day I would come out with a book or game that was epic and profound, but the years just kept passing by where I was stuck fixating on characters that I don't even own. I don't regret it, but I needed to move on. it's refreshing, and I feel more accomplished in a way. I'm still a little hesitant to be public about them, however, because it would piss me off if anyone tried to claim them for themselves, but there's not much you can really do about that with the state of the internet other than putting ugly, obnoxious watermarks on my art. I'll just block anyone who annoys me 👍.
I don't feel as though I have a particular reason for having this website. at first, I wanted it to simply be a portfoilo of my artwork, but as I worked on it further, it became much more than that and now encompasses many aspects of myself and my personality. I think I see this website now as some sort of escape from my presence on social media, but trying to make some sort of distinction between my account on neocities and my account on tumblr or twitter is just silly to me.
I've seen different sites on neocities that present a "manifesto" that explains the purpose of their website and many of them boil down to the same message of "I hate social media". which of course I can relate to, but the sentiment has become sort of a cliche. I guess I just dislike how self-important these manifestos comes across, especially when I see them argue on whether it's right to shame people for using social media or not, like as if their judgement even matters. it takes a very specific person to care about creating a personal website on neocities or where ever else in the first place, and social media is just a tool at the end of the day.
my own website is a drop in the ocean. I like to have fun and be weird, and of course, that can be taken as a small step in favor of fighting against the increasing monopolization of the internet, but really, I just wanted to take up another hobby. I don't care to make it any deeper than that.
I changed up the layout of this page. it's been a bit since I've actually coded again, but I think I've done this enough throughout the year where it's almost like a second language to me. I'm kind of proud of that fact. either way, I decided to get rid of every post I had written here. it's not really a fresh start, but it's something of a cleanse. I've been very indecisive, but after last october, I want this place to be mine without feeling judged for my problems. I was afraid to be perceived as oversharing, attention-seeking, generally just being inappropriate for talking about my struggles with suicidal ideation and self-harm. well, that suicidal ideation turned into me trying to hang myself in my room on october 5th, and since then, I've stopped caring. I was considering redoing my website from scratch entirely, which just meant getting rid of any reference to my interest in corpse party. but that's just me being resentful.
I'm still recovering from my attempt. I still don't feel like myself. maybe, I never will ever again. I dissociated pretty hard the first month and felt disconnected to everything, like a switch flipped off and I couldn't access these parts in my head anymore. I think I'm starting to get my bearings again, but I don't feel any better. I'm still suicidal, very suicidal. I think about trying again almost every day. it's addicting, honestly. but, I'm also starting to get tired of it.
I'm not sure how to end this. I just hope things will change.