a diary entry before the month ends. well, it's just a bunch of ranting but whatever.

yesterday, I went to a local zine fest for the third time, and it was such a dumb experience for me. the past two times, I already was having a hard time finding anything I was truly interested in, and maybe it's just my fault for not liking the general zine scene anyways. most of the zines sold at this event are just self-centered, glorified diary entries or advertisements for their online shop honestly. I like more political, history focused zines, but it seems like there are less and less than of these each time I go.

I just remember the first time I went to this event, I was seeking out zines or anything about immigration, and there were only one or two zines I could find about it. I was really disappointed at the time, but it wasn't surprising either. I had already known that most people have never cared about this topic well, now at this event, there still weren't a lot of zines about immigration or how to support immigrants in your community, but there was definitely a lot of merch that all had "fuck ICE" in big letters for $5-10 and it made me so bitter. I fucking knew that this was going to be the next big trend of political slogans that people want to profit off of, and the thing that suddenly everyone has an opinion on, and it was just like- really? where was this energy two years ago? three four five ten or twenty, the entire time I've been alive and the entire time I've lived in the united states. it's like it takes things to escalate or people to die in this country or across the world for americans to give a shit about anything. immigrants have been dying for decades at the hands of the police or while trying to cross the border, but it was treated as an open secret for so many years. now suddenly our voices do matter but it's not even mostly our voices and just some white people wanting to make a quick buck for a "communist" event and I feel like I'm almost being gaslit. and it's my biggest fear that in 2028, people will vote blue and we'll all just forget again until the cycle of lowering our guard starts all over. and every time I see some stupid fucking sticker or shirt, I want to ask them where the profit is going, even when the vendor is from a mexican family, you're still a fucking us citizen. I'm so sick of people not wanting to confront that. that money better be going towards your community, or your stupid plastic stickers are fucking worthless.

and the most egregious thing. the thing that pissed me off the most about this event was seeing a zine titled "gooning is praxis" with an fugly anime girl with big boobs on it. unironically presented with a collection of other zines about serious real world issues, just in the fucking middle of it. I've seen this goddamn mindset about how consuming porn "fights back against our puritanical society" regurgitated and condensed into hundreds of fucking tumblr or twitter posts already. I'm sure whoever put it together must think they are so enlightened. it's so fucking pathetic. I'm sure chronically jerking off is going to lead us to the revolution, and help me and my family and all of my people from the third world not be exploited anymore. GODDDDDDDDDDD WHATEVER.

it really makes me think about all the discourse I've been entrenched in for months now about "proship/profiction/etc", all of that because people think masturbating is activism when it's not fucking special. and I say this as someone that actively engages in kink and draws erotic art, etc etc, but it's because I just like it. I appreciate it especially on an analytical level, I like how kink can be used as symbolism in artwork, I like how it can be used as a metaphor to represent a character's issues, it has even helped me with my issues in real life. but people want to flatten down kink to just the next cool thing for everyone to try and that just makes it dangerous. it's not just something "cool", it's supposed to be an incredibly intimate activity, it's literally fucking sex and we are not treating it with the emotional weight that it deserves. it's basically turned into a fashion statement and that's probably why I see so many people ask "how could someone be into ero-guro, but not incest". this idea that you can't have limits in kink, that you have to be into everything, that you can't be uncomfortable with anything, like a fucking pissing contest. and it's funny how even if you state that you're uncomfortable with something because of personal trauma, someone will say "don't make your trauma someone else's problem" but a lot of them are essentiality doing that with their own supposed trauma about how their family never loved them and that's why they need to fetishize incest sooooooo. and I'm not even entirely all-or-nothing about this issue. I don't think just liking an incest ship means you're normalizing incest in broader society, but people who do don't shut the fuck up about it either. fetishizing incest or whatever else is compulsive for these people lol.

it's just very funny to see all this being held up as a progressive stance when it functionally means nothing towards a person's politics. being "proship/profiction", even simply anti-censorship, does not make anyone an inherently safe person to be around, but I always knew this. it works very well as a cover up for abusive behavior. my own groomer from when I was a child was on bluesky (of course) very recently sharing posts about how we need to accept all icky, gross art and how corporations that push censorship don't actually care about children. like I'm glad they get to repeat seemingly reasonable statements from everyone else on the internet to hide their crimes lol. LAUGH. OUT. LOUD.

sometimes I wish I could send my groomer a twitch donation with the message that I remember what they did when I was 12 while livestreaming so their audience finds out and I can watch the ensuing fall out, but I just can't stoop to that level. but a girl can dream.

I'm just so mad all the time. I try to have outlets to redirect my anger and disillusionment, but I don't know. I always feel like everyone around me are such fucking idiots. Oh well.

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making myself sit down and focus on writing another blog post, I kinda have a lot to say, but I'll start with something normal so I don't end up just ranting first thing. this is a preview of my oc page so far:

at first, I was making something more straightforward and simple, but sometime last month, I went thrift shopping with my boyfriend and looked through the cd section. I ended up becoming inspired by the graphic design on them, particularly the back of a lot of them. so I later made a mood board looking at 90s, grunge cds, and created this. this is only the "front" page of this section and it's still a work in progress, but I like it so far. I think it gives off more of a surreal vibe to interact with, which is more fitting for the tone of the story I have in mind. my oc page will definitely take a while when I have so many assets to draw, but it should be fun.

that said, I still have my doubts about my vn, I guess. I make progress on my vn, writing the script, programming it, but I just keep asking myself what's the point. I like having ocs and I wouldn't just stop drawing them, but I keep considering just sharing my ocs in spaces like toyhouse, but never actually doing anything with them. last month, it was really bad. I just always feel so fucking stupid making a game and not doing something with my time that actually matters even if it's not even my fault for not being able to. being in my situation is so fucking terrible, and even on my own personal website, I have to be vague about it because it's scary. but I want to be open about it somehow, I always just wish I could be loud about my identity and life as an immigrant, and my writing is one of the only ways I can express that right now. I've already been told not to take it so seriously and that tons of other people are still creating art and games on their own time, so I don't know why I care so much. is it my ocd, I have no idea. I just always feel so helpless, I always feel useless.

I'm asking if it's my ocd because it has truly been terrible lately and I don't know if this is another way of it manifesting or whatever because even when I've been insecure over what I'm doing in the past, I've never felt so stupid and guilty. and I've been so on-edge in general since december and I'm having fucking tantrums again online by locking my shit and then unlocking it a few days later because I'm so sick of everyone around me. my issue with my audience online hasn't ended, it's like it's gotten worse and it's pissing me off so much. I think another reason why I keep being so discouraged with my vn is because of the people who keep following me. I KNOW no one should ever anticipate a fandom, but like holy fuck it is annoying to deal with the people who send me weird as fuck asks and the people who reblog my art with posts right below it talking about their pedo incest fantasies like I hate you fucking people. genuinely. I get really caught up in this idea that these people are everywhere and that they keep getting more and more desensitized to this shit and it's ruining their sense of boundaries so I shouldn't even bother trying to make a visual novel. god, they get under my skin so bad. mfw I am chad but I have psychological problems so I'm stuck here with you dumb virgins.

I've really been considering going to therapy again to deal with my ocd and just everything that's going on. I think I'm honestly at the point again where I see no point in living anymore. for a while, I sort of accepted just being alive and growing old for the sake of other people like my boyfriend and my family, but I simply can't imagine a good future for myself. and I've freaked out over this several times, because I also just don't want to die. I don't want to call it quits, but I actually feel so much despair right now. I want to get help, but my only option is online therapy, and I can't go through that again. I tried in 2024 and I went through four therapists in one single year, and every time it was exhausting and miserable and it made me more suicidal than not. half of them didn't even know what they were fucking doing because they don't know how to deal with ocd or my other stupid problems. I've thought about doing outpatient for so long, but it's so expensive and I really do feel a lot of shame at the idea doing something more intensive. even if it's for my own good. I don't even know if I should risk that right now. haaaaaaaaaaahhahaha.

maybe once I get married, I'll actually just blow everything up and never look back and it'll be the greatest thing for me. who knows.

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happy new years. I spent the last day of 2025 working on my art page and I'm pretty happy with how it functions for now. even after not working on my website for a year, I'm kinda proud of myself for how easy html/css still is for me. I really do love working with html/css so picking it back up again is nice. I stay very focused while working on my website, which is hard for me with anything else, even with drawing.

I'm not sure what to say about 2025. it was simultaneously very stressful and boring. I told myself I was going to complete a demo of my visual novel last year, but haha. though honestly, I don't see that as a failure of mine and rather it makes sense I didn't get that far. my ideas and what I wanted from my story/characters really wasn't as complete as they are now, which part of that is definitely BECAUSE of working on the script and gameplay throughout 2025. this year, I really do want to finish a demo, a proof of concept, something that's actually tangible. I do... wish I drew comics that could provide more context and depict my characters really living their lives, but I get burned out by drawing so fast. maybe as a 2026 goal, I make myself sit down and draw some comics, get looser with my art in a way. but above all, I need to focus on my visual novel.

sometimes I think I'm running out of time to work on it, to tell the story in my head, when the world is so fucked and I feel like I can't keep up with it. a part of me does acknowledge feeling like that is kind of silly because it is just a game, but it's so influenced by my own life experiences being a queer, mexican immigrant. I don't really think I'm making some kind of profound statement with my work, but my reality keeps changing around me and it just makes me feel a lot of pressure in a way. I just want my story to be relatable and provide a perspective of an experience not many people bother to write about, especially in the medium I'm choosing. this year feels like my only chance to do that.

anyways. my boyfriend did move to my city in august 2024, so 2025 was my first year with him irl. even though we've been together for five (almost six) years, a ldr really doesn't prepare you for dating someone in person. I had to change my routine a lot since he moved here, and honestly, maybe that's why I wasn't very productive in 2025. I just love hanging out with him too much lol. we haven't moved in yet, but I have basically been living at his apartment for a few months now, which has helped bring my productivity back. working at the dining table together or while one of us is sitting on the couch doing our own thing is just as nice as going out on a date. I'm really grateful for it. my relationship is one of the few things that's kept me sane. we've been talking about getting married this year alsooooo...

this could be a big year for me, god willing.

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welp. I haven't used my website in a year. I lost a lot of my motivation, but I'm back to wanting to actually use it. and this time, regularly, not just having a home page up and nothing else.

what's really pushing me to use it again is mainly that I would like to not use tumblr or twitter anymore. I guess I don't want to use social media anymore in general. the ai shit is getting on my nerves, but more than anything, I'm so tired of the audience I keep attracting with my art. I'm so tired of clicking on a follower's profile and they're part of the pro-para crowd. no matter how many of them I block, they're like a fucking plague and I'm genuinely so fed up with it. I don't feel comfortable posting my art online if it goes around those circles, and I just cannot personally ignore them right now especially when they become parasocial towards me. I end up feeling like it says something about me as a person all because I draw fucking gore art. not even mentioning when they have the gall to ask me WHY I don't support "pro-paraphilia" just because of the content of my art, like liking gore art or sadomasochistic characters somehow means I have to support people who willingly identify as pedos/zoos/necrophiles???????? the fuck?

I would rather just upload my art on places where it can't be shared around. I like toyhouse for this reason because I can turn comments off on my art completely and there isn't a reblog/retweeting feature. it feels more like a portfoilo to me which is nice. eventually, I'll add a portfoilo page for my art here, and every other page I've been wanting to add for years too. I am just a little conflicted because I'm working on a visual novel, and I should advertise it somehow, but I can't bring myself to do it properly. having an online presence is really hard for me when it's not just posting my art, I don't even talk about my ocs randomly without someone else initiating it first through an ask or something. I'm seriously just not cut out for it. but I'm still going to make a visual novel. I'm still going to try to tell a story that is important to me. this leads to another problem I have, though.

it's the same problem I had a few years ago where I wanted to showcase my original work on this website, but it feels wrong to me to do that on a space where I would also have a blog like this. I don't know if I should be more "professional", and more of a private figure if I want to create a real work of art that can be consumed by other people. but my ocs are already so influenced by my own personal experiences, maybe it doesn't matter. I really don't know. I'm just very paranoid, lol. I would like to use a blog more, but it is really difficult for me anyways. I have a hard time talking about my life, because I really don't do much if it's not drawing or writing on my computer. sigh. I wanted to have a page where I review movies/books/etc too but my interest in movies basically died in 2023 ~_~.

I'll figure it out as I go along, I guess.

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