making myself sit down and focus on writing another blog post, I kinda have a lot to say, but I'll start with something normal so I don't end up just ranting first thing. this is a preview of my oc page so far:

at first, I was making something more straightforward and simple, but sometime last month, I went thrift shopping with my boyfriend and looked through the cd section. I ended up becoming inspired by the graphic design on them, particularly the back of a lot of them. so I later made a mood board looking at 90s, grunge cds, and created this. this is only the "front" page of this section and it's still a work in progress, but I like it so far. I think it gives off more of a surreal vibe to interact with, which is more fitting for the tone of the story I have in mind. my oc page will definitely take a while when I have so many assets to draw, but it should be fun.

that said, I still have my doubts about my vn, I guess. I make progress on my vn, writing the script, programming it, but I just keep asking myself what's the point. I like having ocs and I wouldn't just stop drawing them, but I keep considering just sharing my ocs in spaces like toyhouse, but never actually doing anything with them. last month, it was really bad. I just always feel so fucking stupid making a game and not doing something with my time that actually matters even if it's not even my fault for not being able to. being in my situation is so fucking terrible, and even on my own personal website, I have to be vague about it because it's scary. but I want to be open about it somehow, I always just wish I could be loud about my identity and life as an immigrant, and my writing is one of the only ways I can express that right now. I've already been told not to take it so seriously and that tons of other people are still creating art and games on their own time, so I don't know why I care so much. is it my ocd, I have no idea. I just always feel so helpless, I always feel useless.

I'm asking if it's my ocd because it has truly been terrible lately and I don't know if this is another way of it manifesting or whatever because even when I've been insecure over what I'm doing in the past, I've never felt so stupid and guilty. and I've been so on-edge in general since december and I'm having fucking tantrums again online by locking my shit and then unlocking it a few days later because I'm so sick of everyone around me. my issue with my audience online hasn't ended, it's like it's gotten worse and it's pissing me off so much. I think another reason why I keep being so discouraged with my vn is because of the people who keep following me. I KNOW no one should ever anticipate a fandom, but like holy fuck it is annoying to deal with the people who send me weird as fuck asks and the people who reblog my art with posts right below it talking about their pedo incest fantasies like I hate you fucking people. genuinely. I get really caught up in this idea that these people are everywhere and that they keep getting more and more desensitized to this shit and it's ruining their sense of boundaries so I shouldn't even bother trying to make a visual novel. god, they get under my skin so bad. mfw I am chad but I have psychological problems so I'm stuck here with you dumb virgins.

I've really been considering going to therapy again to deal with my ocd and just everything that's going on. I think I'm honestly at the point again where I see no point in living anymore. for a while, I sort of accepted just being alive and growing old for the sake of other people like my boyfriend and my family, but I simply can't imagine a good future for myself. and I've freaked out over this several times, because I also just don't want to die. I don't want to call it quits, but I actually feel so much despair right now. I want to get help, but my only option is online therapy, and I can't go through that again. I tried in 2024 and I went through four therapists in one single year, and every time it was exhausting and miserable and it made me more suicidal than not. half of them didn't even know what they were fucking doing because they don't know how to deal with ocd or my other stupid problems. I've thought about doing outpatient for so long, but it's so expensive and I really do feel a lot of shame at the idea doing something more intensive. even if it's for my own good. I don't even know if I should risk that right now. haaaaaaaaaaahhahaha.

maybe once I get married, I'll actually just blow everything up and never look back and it'll be the greatest thing for me. who knows.

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happy new years. I spent the last day of 2025 working on my art page and I'm pretty happy with how it functions for now. even after not working on my website for a year, I'm kinda proud of myself for how easy html/css still is for me. I really do love working with html/css so picking it back up again is nice. I stay very focused while working on my website, which is hard for me with anything else, even with drawing.

I'm not sure what to say about 2025. it was simultaneously very stressful and boring. I told myself I was going to complete a demo of my visual novel last year, but haha. though honestly, I don't see that as a failure of mine and rather it makes sense I didn't get that far. my ideas and what I wanted from my story/characters really wasn't as complete as they are now, which part of that is definitely BECAUSE of working on the script and gameplay throughout 2025. this year, I really do want to finish a demo, a proof of concept, something that's actually tangible. I do... wish I drew comics that could provide more context and depict my characters really living their lives, but I get burned out by drawing so fast. maybe as a 2026 goal, I make myself sit down and draw some comics, get looser with my art in a way. but above all, I need to focus on my visual novel.

sometimes I think I'm running out of time to work on it, to tell the story in my head, when the world is so fucked and I feel like I can't keep up with it. a part of me does acknowledge feeling like that is kind of silly because it is just a game, but it's so influenced by my own life experiences being a queer, mexican immigrant. I don't really think I'm making some kind of profound statement with my work, but my reality keeps changing around me and it just makes me feel a lot of pressure in a way. I just want my story to be relatable and provide a perspective of an experience not many people bother to write about, especially in the medium I'm choosing. this year feels like my only chance to do that.

anyways. my boyfriend did move to my city in august 2024, so 2025 was my first year with him irl. even though we've been together for five (almost six) years, a ldr really doesn't prepare you for dating someone in person. I had to change my routine a lot since he moved here, and honestly, maybe that's why I wasn't very productive in 2025. I just love hanging out with him too much lol. we haven't moved in yet, but I have basically been living at his apartment for a few months now, which has helped bring my productivity back. working at the dining table together or while one of us is sitting on the couch doing our own thing is just as nice as going out on a date. I'm really grateful for it. my relationship is one of the few things that's kept me sane. we've been talking about getting married this year alsooooo...

this could be a big year for me, god willing.

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welp. I haven't used my website in a year. I lost a lot of my motivation, but I'm back to wanting to actually use it. and this time, regularly, not just having a home page up and nothing else.

what's really pushing me to use it again is mainly that I would like to not use tumblr or twitter anymore. I guess I don't want to use social media anymore in general. the ai shit is getting on my nerves, but more than anything, I'm so tired of the audience I keep attracting with my art. I'm so tired of clicking on a follower's profile and they're part of the pro-para crowd. no matter how many of them I block, they're like a fucking plague and I'm genuinely so fed up with it. I don't feel comfortable posting my art online if it goes around those circles, and I just cannot personally ignore them right now especially when they become parasocial towards me. I end up feeling like it says something about me as a person all because I draw fucking gore art. not even mentioning when they have the gall to ask me WHY I don't support "pro-paraphilia" just because of the content of my art, like liking gore art or sadomasochistic characters somehow means I have to support people who willingly identify as pedos/zoos/necrophiles???????? the fuck?

I would rather just upload my art on places where it can't be shared around. I like toyhouse for this reason because I can turn comments off on my art completely and there isn't a reblog/retweeting feature. it feels more like a portfoilo to me which is nice. eventually, I'll add a portfoilo page for my art here, and every other page I've been wanting to add for years too. I am just a little conflicted because I'm working on a visual novel, and I should advertise it somehow, but I can't bring myself to do it properly. having an online presence is really hard for me when it's not just posting my art, I don't even talk about my ocs randomly without someone else initiating it first through an ask or something. I'm seriously just not cut out for it. but I'm still going to make a visual novel. I'm still going to try to tell a story that is important to me. this leads to another problem I have, though.

it's the same problem I had a few years ago where I wanted to showcase my original work on this website, but it feels wrong to me to do that on a space where I would also have a blog like this. I don't know if I should be more "professional", and more of a private figure if I want to create a real work of art that can be consumed by other people. but my ocs are already so influenced by my own personal experiences, maybe it doesn't matter. I really don't know. I'm just very paranoid, lol. I would like to use a blog more, but it is really difficult for me anyways. I have a hard time talking about my life, because I really don't do much if it's not drawing or writing on my computer. sigh. I wanted to have a page where I review movies/books/etc too but my interest in movies basically died in 2023 ~_~.

I'll figure it out as I go along, I guess.

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