happy new years. I spent the last day of 2025 working on my art page and I'm pretty happy with how it functions for now. even after not working on my website for a year, I'm kinda proud of myself for how easy html/css still is for me. I really do love working with html/css so picking it back up again is nice. I stay very focused while working on my website, which is hard for me with anything else, even with drawing.

I'm not sure what to say about 2025. it was simultaneously very stressful and boring. I told myself I was going to complete a demo of my visual novel last year, but haha. though honestly, I don't see that as a failure of mine and rather it makes sense I didn't get that far. my ideas and what I wanted from my story/characters really wasn't as complete as they are now, which part of that is definitely BECAUSE of working on the script and gameplay throughout 2025. this year, I really do want to finish a demo, a proof of concept, something that's actually tangible. I do... wish I drew comics that could provide more context and depict my characters really living their lives, but I get burned out by drawing so fast. maybe as a 2026 goal, I make myself sit down and draw some comics, get looser with my art in a way. but above all, I need to focus on my visual novel.

sometimes I think I'm running out of time to work on it, to tell the story in my head, when the world is so fucked and I feel like I can't keep up with it. a part of me does acknowledge feeling like that is kind of silly because it is just a game, but it's so influenced by my own life experiences being a queer, mexican immigrant. I don't really think I'm making some kind of profound statement with my work, but my reality keeps changing around me and it just makes me feel a lot of pressure in a way. I just want my story to be relatable and provide a perspective of an experience not many people bother to write about, especially in the medium I'm choosing. this year feels like my only chance to do that.

anyways. my boyfriend did move to my city in august 2024, so 2025 was my first year with him irl. even though we've been together for five (almost six) years, a ldr really doesn't prepare you for dating someone in person. I had to change my routine a lot since he moved here, and honestly, maybe that's why I wasn't very productive in 2025. I just love hanging out with him too much lol. we haven't moved in yet, but I have basically been living at his apartment for a few months now, which has helped bring my productivity back. working at the dining table together or while one of us is sitting on the couch doing our own thing is just as nice as going out on a date. I'm really grateful for it. my relationship is one of the few things that's kept me sane. we've been talking about getting married this year alsooooo...

this could be a big year for me, god willing.

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welp. I haven't used my website in a year. I lost a lot of my motivation, but I'm back to wanting to actually use it. and this time, regularly, not just having a home page up and nothing else.

what's really pushing me to use it again is mainly that I would like to not use tumblr or twitter anymore. I guess I don't want to use social media anymore in general. the ai shit is getting on my nerves, but more than anything, I'm so tired of the audience I keep attracting with my art. I'm so tired of clicking on a follower's profile and they're part of the pro-para crowd. no matter how many of them I block, they're like a fucking plague and I'm genuinely so fed up with it. I don't feel comfortable posting my art online if it goes around those circles, and I just cannot personally ignore them right now especially when they become parasocial towards me. I end up feeling like it says something about me as a person all because I draw fucking gore art. not even mentioning when they have the gall to ask me WHY I don't support "pro-paraphilia" just because of the content of my art, like liking gore art or sadomasochistic characters somehow means I have to support people who willingly identify as pedos/zoos/necrophiles???????? it makes me feel like I'm fucking crazy for being against that shit.

I would rather just upload my art on places where it can't be shared around. I like toyhouse for this reason because I can turn comments off on my art completely and there isn't a reblog/retweeting feature. it feels more like a portfoilo to me which is nice. eventually, I'll add a portfoilo page for my art here, and every other page I've been wanting to add for years too. I am just a little conflicted because I'm working on a visual novel, and I should advertise it somehow, but I can't bring myself to do it properly. having an online presence is really hard for me when it's not just posting my art, I don't even talk about my ocs randomly without someone else initiating it first through an ask or something. I'm seriously just not cut out for it. but I'm still going to make a visual novel. I'm still going to try to tell a story that is important to me. this leads to another problem I have, though.

it's the same problem I had a few years ago where I wanted to showcase my original work on this website, but it feels wrong to me to do that on a space where I would also have a blog like this. I don't know if I should be more "professional", and more of a private figure if I want to create a real work of art that can be consumed by other people. but my ocs are already so influenced by my own personal experiences, maybe it doesn't matter. I really don't know. I'm just very paranoid, lol. I would like to use a blog more, but it is really difficult for me anyways. I have a hard time talking about my life, because I really don't do much if it's not drawing or writing on my computer. sigh. I wanted to have a page where I review movies/books/etc too but my interest in movies basically died in 2023 ~_~.

I'll figure it out as I go along, I guess.

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