Mood: exhausted
welp. I haven't used my website in a year. I got scared off for a while by people being too intrusive towards me, but I just need to take better precautions like not having a chat box on my page or other ways to contact me. I do feel bad because I do like being complimented on my website or my art of course... but my mental health is just not at a place where I can handle other kinds of attention and I haven't been able to handle it for several years at this point. but I want to actually use it regularly, not just having a home page up and nothing else.
I want to bring my website back mainly because I would like to not use tumblr or twitter anymore. I guess I don't want to use social media anymore in general. the ai shit is getting on my nerves, but more than anything, I'm so tired of the audience I keep attracting with my art. I'm so tired of clicking on a follower's profile and they're some delusional pro-para idiot. no matter how many of them I block, they're like a fucking plague and I'm genuinely so fed up with it. I don't feel comfortable posting my art online if it goes around those circles, and I just cannot personally ignore them right now especially when they become parasocial towards me. I end up feeling like it says something about me as a person all because I draw fucking gore art. not even mentioning when they have the gall to ask me WHY I don't support "pro-paraphilia" just because of the content of my art, like liking gore art or sadomasochistic characters somehow means I have to support people who willingly identify as pedos or zoos or necrophiles???????? it makes me feel like I'm fucking crazy for being against that shit.
I would rather just upload my art on places where it can't be shared around. I like toyhouse for this reason because I can turn comments off on my art completely and there isn't a reblog/retweeting feature. it feels more like a portfoilo to me which is nice. eventually, I'll add a portfoilo page for my art here, and every other page I've been wanting to add for years too. I am just a little conflicted because I'm working on a visual novel, and I should advertise it somehow, but I can't bring myself to do it properly. having an online presence is really hard for me when it's not just posting my art, I don't even talk about my ocs randomly without someone else initiating it first through an ask or something. I'm seriously just not cut out for it. but I'm still going to make a visual novel. I'm still going to try to tell a story that is important to me. this leads to another problem I have, though.
it's the same problem I had a few years ago where I wanted to showcase my original work on this website, but it feels wrong to me to do that on a space where I would also have a blog like this. I don't know if I should be more "professional", and more of a private figure if I want to create a real work of art that can be consumed by other people. but my ocs are already so influenced by my own personal experiences, maybe it doesn't matter. I really don't know. I'm just very paranoid, lol. I would like to use a blog more, but it is really difficult for me anyways. I have a hard time talking about my life, because I really don't do much if it's not drawing or writing on my computer. sigh. I wanted to have a page where I review movies/books/etc too but my interest in movies basically died in 2023 ~_~.
I'll figure it out as I go along, I guess. 